Something is rotten in the world of Gor (OOC)

I joined the Tabor sims a few weeks ago. I chose to live outside the Safe Zone, as I didn't see any point in denying myself the opportunity of roleplay and sitting inside a cosy home instead; I can do that anywhere in SL. Within my first few days there my home was burned down (I managed to get out) by an outlaw. I was targeted by outlaws for most of the first three weeks I lived there (until a RL emotional outburst exploded in to SL Gor and now most people avoid me). I have been told two versions of why I was targeted. Firstly that the residents were aiming to either break me or break me in - kind of like an initiation. Secondly that a member of the Green caste as a slave is highly prized... I was advised by some of the residents to wear a bow for my own protection, but was then advised against it by my mentor - which made me happy as I am a useless fighter and it goes against my personal beliefs.

As I headed to my home in Hillcrest of Tabor, I was aware someone was heading in my direction (I wear a radar), but I didn't think anything about it. We were the only two people on the sim at that time. Seconds after getting in to my home, I heard the door open. I turned around to see a guy standing there; he is in my home, I am unarmed, I have never seen him before. I was a bit surprised but greeted him and then was about to emote my surprise and ask if he needed assistance, etc. Before I managed to type a word, he attacked me. In the spirit of roleplay I did the only thing that I could think of and ran. Of course, he downed me before I could reach safety. I expected to be bound, dragged away, sold as a slave, etc. so I waited for the roleplay. Nothing happened. He had left the sim.

When I regained consciousness, I headed to the infirmary (Safe Zone) in the Isle of Tabor to seek help with my wounds. He attacked me again as I reached the doors. This time I sent an emote in Group Chat about being attacked, crawling to the infirmary for help, being attacked again, etc. One of the physicians said he would be with me shortly - but then he and his Free Companion were attacked by the same guy in the Safe Zone at Silver Tree of Tabor.

By this time, I had seen something and went OOC and chased after the attacker - he was flying. If he could do that, I saw no reason to attempt any kind of roleplay. Every time I got close, he flew away. Eventually I managed to get near enough to talk to him - as he was attacking a group of other residents from the Tabor sims. He called us homos, pansy asses, faggots, etc. Myself and one other resident were caged during the attack.

Amidst all the arguing and attacking and meters being reset the reason for his attack became clear (and I was in IM with him to try to understand his actions). Apparently he has been previously captured by panthers and he said they find it amusing to sell a straight captive as a slave to a gay sim. He said he did not want to waste two hours of roleplay only to end up on a 'fag sim'. I told him that this was meant to be fun and consensual so if he did not wish to be involved in this he should put it in his limits or refuse to roleplay it. He said he had been banned from one sim he was captured on for refusing to be traded to a gay sim. He had apparently asked to be banned on the gay Gorean sims to prevent his transportation there but had been refused. He now felt the only choice he had was to grief them until they had to ban him.

I had already sent two Abuse Reports by this time as his attack went on for some time. Afterwards, I was quite sorry for him - as a gay man, I would be similarly as unhappy if I ended up in a sexual roleplay situation with women. Actually I would be unhappy to be in any kind of forced sexual situation - I did not choose to be a kajirus for that reason. I understand that is part of the nature within Gor but I have personal reasons for not being involved with that sort of activity. I was just as annoyed by the groups who are trading straight men to gay sims (in my opinion just as homophobic as his words) and by the gay sims who think it acceptable to roleplay sexual activities with them. I know the whole "Gor is harsh" thing (which is a load of crap - we aren't on Gor, it doesn't exist...please check you have your reality switched on), but this sort of thing seems outside of the spirit of roleplay. Yes, capture someone and trade them as a slave, but why does it have to be to a sim that is going to cause conflict over sexuality? A few weeks ago in Tabor, we accepted a straight man as a slave but released him as soon as his captors had gone - there seemed little point in keeping him, so yes maybe the attackers point about wasting two hours of roleplay is valid.

While unhappy about the homophobia from the man who griefed us, I can't help but feel that there are many other people who are in danger of bringing Gor in to the kind of disrepute that will get Linden Labs stamping restrictions all over it.

As a consequence of what happened, I have terminated my rental in Hillcrest and moved to a private Gorean residential sim - which is what I didn't want and partly defeats the object of being involved in roleplay in the first place.

Happiness and Sorrow (IC)

I have had a strange time since my last post; I could not have foreseen the events that have taken place.

While walking through Tabor I heard a commotion and discovered a group of Free Men and kajiri in the council chambers; a visiting warrior from Farnacium had been attacked by sleen. I was helped to get the man to the infirmary where I was able to tend to his wounds. I was rather worried at one point as I was afraid that I might lose him...so much blood, mostly due to a deep wound on his chest. One of the kajiri, a boy named Chance, assisted me by fetching and carrying the things I needed. He is such a helpful boy; I hope the city realises what potential he has.

I have a very close friend, who has come to mean so much to me in a very short space of time. His name is Tiber Delphin. I met him through a friend following a visit to Tabor. At that time he was magistrate in Tabor, though events have seen him change his homestone to Tharnock, which is also my homestone now. He has sought me as his Free Companion and I have accepted him gladly.

Leaving Tabor was very difficult for me. Although I had only been there a short time and had had some very unpleasant experiences there, I still view it with fondness. Some of the people there have brought great joy and warmth to my life. I hope I do not lose touch with them.

While collecting my things from the home I had in Hillcrest of Tabor, I was attacked. An unarmed member of the Green caste attacked in his own home without provocation. His motives can only be guessed at...

Slow Descent (IC except where indicated)

I still feel mad, but thankfully not as mad as I have been. I have vented my frustrations on my home, which now looks a mess especially due to the accident with the fire...and I can't remember if all of that blood is mine.

All was quiet in both Tharnock and Tabor while I was there today. I have been visiting the Oasis of the Golden Pleasure tent for the past few days. My dear friend Rufus suggested that it might be a good place for me to relax, so I have been making the journey there. I have only seen one person there so far; an initiate. He seemed friendly but we both had other places to be...mine was at an unusual place filled with many people I did not know (OOC: the RFL as part of the doctors and nurses hour on Sunday).

I was alone in Tabor early this morning. I did not quite know where I wanted to be so I found myself a spot on the bridge and sat watching the stars, as if searching for an answer from the Priest Kings. The bridge is a good place as you can observe all arrivals and decide what course of action you should take. A man approached me from the direction of the old market (OOC: the new market place setting is fantastic!). I had spoken to the man once before though I doubt he would remember it. He seems concerned with where I sit. The first time he spoke to me when I came to Tabor, he advised me against sitting on the grass by the gate as it was not a safe place. This morning he said something similar about the bridge. Unlike the first time we spoke, I said I was not worried about my safety. He did comment on my lack of weapons, but I mentioned my trusty syringe; little does anyone know that I have been using syringes to draw off my own 'bad' blood in an attempt to ease my anguish and suffering.

The man and I spoke for a few minutes; nothing at length but the conversation had depth. He gave me some wise advice and he seemed to be a kindly person, though I doubt he would thank me for saying that about him.

I still have no idea where I am going or what I am doing; the fear is leaving me but nothing else is replacing it and I am becoming empty. Perhaps my mind has a form of Dar-Kosis rather than my body. Mentally I will waste away until I am a strange figure shuffling around markets and attempting to jab people with a needle until someone finally strikes me down. I pray to the Priest Kings that whoever does it is swift and compassionate.

May the Priest Kings favour you.

Insanity (OOC)

So I appear to be in the early stages of a breakdown again. Has anyone noticed? I offer my apologies to everyone around me. Perhaps I need to take a break.

Insanity (IC)

I am sure the people who have seen my sad, pathetic figure stumbling through Tabor, White Water, Tharnock, etc. will not have realised what is really wrong with me. Even those who have had the misfortune of listening to my insane ramblings may not have guessed the full extent of my issues. You see I, Nidge Darkfold, have allowed myself to be manipulated. I have let fears and rumours play on my mind and tear apart my relationships with those around me. I have wronged many and am now paying the price. I miss the friends I had started to gain in Tabor.

A friend advised me not to fall in love; I should have listened - I fell in love many times and the love was unrequited. Someone I did not know warned me of rumours making me paranoid. Again I did not listen and let the words of people I did not know prey on my weakened mind. I met a stranger who made me feel oddly threatened. His appearance was unfamiliar to me; his manner was odd. I let my suspicions take over; I now believe he could have been a friend.

As a newcomer to the cities I have visited, I have felt alone and friendless. I have not had a person to turn to, to lean on, to seek advice from. I have no desire to be a kajirus, but I need a strong companion to submit to. I am no longer sure that someone like that exists.

I am now trapped between homestones. Desperate not to let either down. Even more desperate to belong somewhere. I feel unable to stay in Tabor and unwilling to leave. I feel unable to fully give myself to Tharnock. I received word that Bac, the Dark Lord, is dead. While glad to hear he was no longer a threat, I was saddened as I had hoped to die by his hand and be free of my inner turmoil.

It was not until I sat with one of the Tabor city kajiri yesterday that I realised just how lost I am and how far from the truth I may have strayed. He is a lovely boy who will one day make the city proud and any master should be happy to own one such as he. He dreams of being Free and a great warrior. I dream of belonging and being cared for. Perhaps I should trade places with him. Sadly in the midst of a breakdown, my mind has been clouded. I have been a fool and I doubt I shall ever be forgiven for the errors of judgement I have made. May the Priest Kings have mercy upon me and show me the way before the thing I submit to is a syringe filled with kandar root.

May the Priest Kings favour you.

Developments (IC and OOC)

So I have had an eventful few days.- I was introduced to a new homestone. They welcomed me. A friend, who I care deeply for, allowed to me move in to his house and we spent alot of time together. We walked, talked, furred... There was a panther attack on the outpost and the Dark Lord was seen, but I was tucked away for my own safety - a dead physician is no good to the homestone. Although I suspect that depends on the views the people of the homestone have of the healer.

I spent some time talking to another friend about recent events - he said the same things have happened to him. It appears to be a kind of thing where they try to break you. Sadly it appears that people will just walk away instead. The next day I saw my friend captured, I told one of the warriors - I am still waiting for a response from him... In the end, I ran across two islands to alert the man's closest friends.

I had asked my friend if he had mentioned our discussions to anyone; he said he had not. I don't feel welcome here any more though. I have rent paid and people who say they care, but...

May the Priest Kings favour you...and me.

New Day (IC and OOC)

So this blog is IC and OOC. Make up your own mind which part is which; my head is scrambled and I don't know who, where or what I am at the minute.

I am tired and emotional. My real life stress (not being paid for five weeks as the company I work for has no money, the problem with my throat, etc.) is starting to wear me down. Yesterday's events in the Gorean world were more than I could handle. Roleplay is one thing, deliberate deception and deceitfulness are another entirely. Bitching, backstabbing and fighting openly amongst the members of a community are not acceptable. The prospect of losing a very good friend sent me over the edge. I wandered unchallenged through several sims last night - outlaws who have previously expressed an interest in me backed off as I stormed in to view. And it was such a simple thing to do; all I had to do was change the label on my meter to read "Just fuck off, okay?"

This morning I was less upset but more angry. I did my morning walk as always, watching an alleged friend who has removed me as a contact TPing from one sim to another seemingly to keep out of my path - I hope he isn't worried in case I find out that he left Gor and tried to get off with my non-Gorean partner while I was offline... I know everything that goes on within my land - who, where and for how long. I told my partner he should have gone for it.

I then went to the tavern in Tabor and sat quietly. I received a message from someone I had met only once. He asked me to join him; he also made the mistake of asking me how I was - so I told him exactly how I was. He was so lovely. He sat with me for at least an hour, talking to me, advising me, soothing my anger, etc. He made me smile which is something I did not expect to do. There were three pieces of really good advice he gave me - one of which was to not fall in love... I explained that in less than two weeks in Gor, I had fallen in love three times already. Of course, I didn't tell him who with, especially as one of them is partnered in SL and another is partnered in both SL and RL. One of them is a part of my homestone, one is from another sim and the last one is an outlaw. Thankfully ADHD means I have a short attention span - and I already have my non-Gorean partner who I have been with for longer than anyoe realises. I would still like to find a man in Gor. I am not talking about love or furring, I am looking for something deeper and more lasting - companionship. I don't care about his personal circumstances - he could be 18 or 80, he could be gay or straight (I did mention that there was no need for furring); I just want to not feel so alone when I walk the streets.

May the Priest Kings favour you.