Nidge sits at his desk in the infirmary at Klima. The desert city is quiet and his mind is wandering over recent events. He rises from his seat and looks out over the city to the dunes beyond.
Presently, the physician returns to his seat. He picks up his pen, dips it in the ink and begins to write on the blank page of the journal lying in front of him on the infirmary desk; his thoughts are of the time he was a slave.
"Although I am naturally submissive and tend towards self-deprecation and deference to others, being a slave was much more difficult for me than I ever expected it to be. I was heavily restricted - no serving, no bathing, no furring, no travelling, no fighting. The first three seemed to be driven by jealousy and the last two driven by a desire to keep me safe. Yet all of them served as ways to ensure unimaginable boredom and desperation. There were hours spent alone wandering around the city or sitting in the kennel or tower in the fort. I also used to spend time sitting on the city wall, staring out in the hope that I might see some visitors."
"As a slave, there was a lot of time where I was just there in the background. While I understand that a slave is merely a possession, it is hard to find any enjoyment being no more a part of things than a plant or painting or any other inanimate object. I still had feelings and craved the comfort and tender love that anyone else does. Being stared at or told off for speaking while the Free were talking ensured that I continued to grow ever more quiet and reserved."
Nidge stops writing for a moment and ponders how much longer he could have continued as a slave. Fear of the Free, boredom, the terror of being abandoned or sold...could someone with a mental state as fragile as he has have continued to live that way for any length of time? The physician shakes his head as if trying to clear his mind of the memory of the dark thoughts that plagued him so much, especially when he was alone at night in the kennel.
"It was hard when my master would send me away so he could spend time with his Free Companion and I would have to sit alone in the kennel. When I accepted my master's collar, I did not know he had a Free Companion, so I had no idea that I would have to share. Of course, sharing would not have been a problem if it wasn't for the fact that we got to spend so little time together anyway. He always seemed to be sleeping or travelling. He also had to perform his duties as slaver."
"I found it upsetting when my master's Free Companion suggested that I should be made to watch them as they spent time together in the furs. Knowing how much I loved my master, it seemed like a particularly cruel act to have me there and not allow me to participate. It felt like his way of saying, "He is mine". That wounded me deeply and made me think of running away."
The physician lifts his eyes from the page in front of him. He stares hard across the room as the tears sting his eyes; willing himself not to cry over events that are now past. Confusion still rages inside his head. Why was he collared? He thought it was love, but if that was the case, why did he feel so rejected and more alone than he had ever felt in his life? Nidge closes his eyes against the welling tears and swallows hard as he struggles to regain his composure. Despite the heat of the desert and the sun streaming in to the room, he feels cold and a shiver runs through his body causing goosebumps to spread in a wave across his skin. There is something lurking in the back of his mind; like a whisper he can't quite hear, but yet it still unsettles him.
"Part of me wishes I had never accepted a collar...so much damage came as a result of it. I cannot help but think that if I had never come to Klima, they would all have been much better off. I am sure my master and his Free Companion would have still been here, even if not together. My master's sister would probably have been here too. I feel there is tension bubbling under the surface and am afraid that it will break through again and cause further pain to the people I care about so deeply."
"Of course, if I had never come to Klima, I would not have found these wonderful people. I would not have found a home. I would not have felt like I finally belonged somewhere."
Nidge sits at his desk in the infirmary at Klima. The desert city is quiet and his mind is wandering over recent events. He rises from his seat and looks out over the city to the dunes beyond...
Tuesday 20 October 2009
Tuesday 13 October 2009
Missing Entry
This entry was the original ending to the Happy Daze post - and was meant to come as the eighth paragraph. Thankfully things changed.
Of course, Nidge has lived a considerable number of years. In the back of his mind he understands the way of things. In the back of his mind he understands that he is cursed and happiness can never really be his. The once again proud physician closes his journal and settles back in his chair grinning broadly. The joy he feels is almost tangible. He rises from his seat and heads up to the palace. As he climbs the steps he hears the sound of an argument within. He listens closely to the angry words being exchanged. Horrified by what he hears, Nidge runs from the palace and out through the city gates. Wandering across the dunes in a daze for a little while, he comes to the waters of the oasis. The physician bends down to take a handful of water and splash his face to wash away the tears that are now streaming down it. The sun glints on the surface of the water and blinds him for a moment. A moment is all it takes. He stumbles. For the briefest of time there is a sharp pain on the side of his forehead as it strikes the rock - and then there is no more pain. Unconscious, he slumps in to the waters of the oasis. No one is around. No one sees him fall. The physician had finally found love, peace and a place to belong. Fate is cruel. Nidge Darkfold dies alone.
Of course, Nidge has lived a considerable number of years. In the back of his mind he understands the way of things. In the back of his mind he understands that he is cursed and happiness can never really be his. The once again proud physician closes his journal and settles back in his chair grinning broadly. The joy he feels is almost tangible. He rises from his seat and heads up to the palace. As he climbs the steps he hears the sound of an argument within. He listens closely to the angry words being exchanged. Horrified by what he hears, Nidge runs from the palace and out through the city gates. Wandering across the dunes in a daze for a little while, he comes to the waters of the oasis. The physician bends down to take a handful of water and splash his face to wash away the tears that are now streaming down it. The sun glints on the surface of the water and blinds him for a moment. A moment is all it takes. He stumbles. For the briefest of time there is a sharp pain on the side of his forehead as it strikes the rock - and then there is no more pain. Unconscious, he slumps in to the waters of the oasis. No one is around. No one sees him fall. The physician had finally found love, peace and a place to belong. Fate is cruel. Nidge Darkfold dies alone.
Happy Daze
Nidge sits in the infirmary at Klima and smiles softly. He looks around the room admiring the desk, the paintings, the books. It seems odd to sit in the chair wearing his fine clothing. He suddenly laughs out loud, the sound echoing in the vast space. Life has been difficult lately and many changes have taken place. Things seem to be going well, for now anyway. He opens the leather journal in front of him.
"It has been some time since I have written. I have not known what to write. Usually these pages have given me the opportunity to process my thoughts and feelings, but lately I have had trouble comprehending the situations I have found myself in."
"I awoke early one day a couple of weeks ago to find my master was not in the room. I had feared that he was planning to sell me; I felt I was not pleasing enough for him or the other men of the city. I ventured out to find him. He was in the courtyard talking to the man who intended to become Free Companion of the mistress. I was called over to him and, of course, ran to kneel by him. He seemed very serious and I felt a wave of panic hit me. He reached down to me. I wasn't sure what was happening. My collar fell away from my throat. I clutched at it desperately, but he grabbed it and cast it away. Tears stung my eyes as the feeling of rejection filled me. I now felt sure that I was about to meet my death."
"I almost did not hear the words my master spoke. I could scarce believe my ears when I did hear them. He told me he wished to free me from my slavery and asked if I would accept him as my Free Companion. The shock was great and my whole body convulsed. I fell in to his arms, clinging desperately to him. Of course, I accepted."
Nidge looks up from his journal. He remembers the happiness that he felt at that moment...and how very different things are now.
"I spoke with the Ubar and he welcomed me to the oasis as a Free Man. He had spoken with the sheiks and members of the High Castes and they allowed me to take up my place as physician. I spent some time sorting out the infirmary and arranging it to best serve those who may have need of it."
"By the time I had finished, I was hot and tired so I went to the baths and spent time with the other men of the oasis. Several of us then retired to the scribery and we spent a long time chatting and joking. I commented openly that it was the first time I had found peace for a long time. My love joined us and we spent a pleasant time enjoying each other's company."
"Of course, that happiness was short lived. My love fought with the Council later that day. His sister had decided not to go ahead with the Free Companionship and her lover had been driven out of the city. The Council had not been pleased with my former master's actions and he left our Home Stone following the argument. His sister and I followed him for a time but both of us ended up back in Klima."
The physician stops writing and feels a wave of sadness pass over him as he thinks how he lost his lover. They had tried to reconcile their differences, but the dark moods his love was capable of left Nidge afraid and uncertain of where he stood. That situation is now ended. The lady who Nidge loved so much is gone too.
"There is a place I like to sit on the city wall. I can see across the dunes. One evening as I sat staring out over the desert, I thought I saw movement, as if something was falling from the cliff, and went to investigate. I was horrified to find one of the citizens sprawled in the sands. His body was battered but I was most concerned by the heavy bleeding from a head wound. I managed to get help taking him back to the city. We treated his wounds, but he slipped in to a coma."
Nidge shudders at the thought that the great man who he feels such affection for could have died. Despite the man's abrasive nature, the physician respects and admires him - he has found a friend and an ally.
"My friend survived and he slowly healed. He seems different sometimes now. I feel I may be different too...I never expected to be involved in preventing an attempt on his life while he lay in a coma. The source of the failed assassination attempt was also something of a shock. I found strength through someone else. He is new in my life. He gives me stability. He makes me feel loved and cared for. I do not know where this will lead or even if he will choose to stay in my life, but for now I am content just to be around him."
Nidge closes the journal and puts down his pen. He settles back in his seat and closes his eyes. A smile plays softly on his lips.
"It has been some time since I have written. I have not known what to write. Usually these pages have given me the opportunity to process my thoughts and feelings, but lately I have had trouble comprehending the situations I have found myself in."
"I awoke early one day a couple of weeks ago to find my master was not in the room. I had feared that he was planning to sell me; I felt I was not pleasing enough for him or the other men of the city. I ventured out to find him. He was in the courtyard talking to the man who intended to become Free Companion of the mistress. I was called over to him and, of course, ran to kneel by him. He seemed very serious and I felt a wave of panic hit me. He reached down to me. I wasn't sure what was happening. My collar fell away from my throat. I clutched at it desperately, but he grabbed it and cast it away. Tears stung my eyes as the feeling of rejection filled me. I now felt sure that I was about to meet my death."
"I almost did not hear the words my master spoke. I could scarce believe my ears when I did hear them. He told me he wished to free me from my slavery and asked if I would accept him as my Free Companion. The shock was great and my whole body convulsed. I fell in to his arms, clinging desperately to him. Of course, I accepted."
Nidge looks up from his journal. He remembers the happiness that he felt at that moment...and how very different things are now.
"I spoke with the Ubar and he welcomed me to the oasis as a Free Man. He had spoken with the sheiks and members of the High Castes and they allowed me to take up my place as physician. I spent some time sorting out the infirmary and arranging it to best serve those who may have need of it."
"By the time I had finished, I was hot and tired so I went to the baths and spent time with the other men of the oasis. Several of us then retired to the scribery and we spent a long time chatting and joking. I commented openly that it was the first time I had found peace for a long time. My love joined us and we spent a pleasant time enjoying each other's company."
"Of course, that happiness was short lived. My love fought with the Council later that day. His sister had decided not to go ahead with the Free Companionship and her lover had been driven out of the city. The Council had not been pleased with my former master's actions and he left our Home Stone following the argument. His sister and I followed him for a time but both of us ended up back in Klima."
The physician stops writing and feels a wave of sadness pass over him as he thinks how he lost his lover. They had tried to reconcile their differences, but the dark moods his love was capable of left Nidge afraid and uncertain of where he stood. That situation is now ended. The lady who Nidge loved so much is gone too.
"There is a place I like to sit on the city wall. I can see across the dunes. One evening as I sat staring out over the desert, I thought I saw movement, as if something was falling from the cliff, and went to investigate. I was horrified to find one of the citizens sprawled in the sands. His body was battered but I was most concerned by the heavy bleeding from a head wound. I managed to get help taking him back to the city. We treated his wounds, but he slipped in to a coma."
Nidge shudders at the thought that the great man who he feels such affection for could have died. Despite the man's abrasive nature, the physician respects and admires him - he has found a friend and an ally.
"My friend survived and he slowly healed. He seems different sometimes now. I feel I may be different too...I never expected to be involved in preventing an attempt on his life while he lay in a coma. The source of the failed assassination attempt was also something of a shock. I found strength through someone else. He is new in my life. He gives me stability. He makes me feel loved and cared for. I do not know where this will lead or even if he will choose to stay in my life, but for now I am content just to be around him."
Nidge closes the journal and puts down his pen. He settles back in his seat and closes his eyes. A smile plays softly on his lips.
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