Friday 31 July 2009

Something is rotten in the world of Gor (OOC)

I joined the Tabor sims a few weeks ago. I chose to live outside the Safe Zone, as I didn't see any point in denying myself the opportunity of roleplay and sitting inside a cosy home instead; I can do that anywhere in SL. Within my first few days there my home was burned down (I managed to get out) by an outlaw. I was targeted by outlaws for most of the first three weeks I lived there (until a RL emotional outburst exploded in to SL Gor and now most people avoid me). I have been told two versions of why I was targeted. Firstly that the residents were aiming to either break me or break me in - kind of like an initiation. Secondly that a member of the Green caste as a slave is highly prized... I was advised by some of the residents to wear a bow for my own protection, but was then advised against it by my mentor - which made me happy as I am a useless fighter and it goes against my personal beliefs.

As I headed to my home in Hillcrest of Tabor, I was aware someone was heading in my direction (I wear a radar), but I didn't think anything about it. We were the only two people on the sim at that time. Seconds after getting in to my home, I heard the door open. I turned around to see a guy standing there; he is in my home, I am unarmed, I have never seen him before. I was a bit surprised but greeted him and then was about to emote my surprise and ask if he needed assistance, etc. Before I managed to type a word, he attacked me. In the spirit of roleplay I did the only thing that I could think of and ran. Of course, he downed me before I could reach safety. I expected to be bound, dragged away, sold as a slave, etc. so I waited for the roleplay. Nothing happened. He had left the sim.

When I regained consciousness, I headed to the infirmary (Safe Zone) in the Isle of Tabor to seek help with my wounds. He attacked me again as I reached the doors. This time I sent an emote in Group Chat about being attacked, crawling to the infirmary for help, being attacked again, etc. One of the physicians said he would be with me shortly - but then he and his Free Companion were attacked by the same guy in the Safe Zone at Silver Tree of Tabor.

By this time, I had seen something and went OOC and chased after the attacker - he was flying. If he could do that, I saw no reason to attempt any kind of roleplay. Every time I got close, he flew away. Eventually I managed to get near enough to talk to him - as he was attacking a group of other residents from the Tabor sims. He called us homos, pansy asses, faggots, etc. Myself and one other resident were caged during the attack.

Amidst all the arguing and attacking and meters being reset the reason for his attack became clear (and I was in IM with him to try to understand his actions). Apparently he has been previously captured by panthers and he said they find it amusing to sell a straight captive as a slave to a gay sim. He said he did not want to waste two hours of roleplay only to end up on a 'fag sim'. I told him that this was meant to be fun and consensual so if he did not wish to be involved in this he should put it in his limits or refuse to roleplay it. He said he had been banned from one sim he was captured on for refusing to be traded to a gay sim. He had apparently asked to be banned on the gay Gorean sims to prevent his transportation there but had been refused. He now felt the only choice he had was to grief them until they had to ban him.

I had already sent two Abuse Reports by this time as his attack went on for some time. Afterwards, I was quite sorry for him - as a gay man, I would be similarly as unhappy if I ended up in a sexual roleplay situation with women. Actually I would be unhappy to be in any kind of forced sexual situation - I did not choose to be a kajirus for that reason. I understand that is part of the nature within Gor but I have personal reasons for not being involved with that sort of activity. I was just as annoyed by the groups who are trading straight men to gay sims (in my opinion just as homophobic as his words) and by the gay sims who think it acceptable to roleplay sexual activities with them. I know the whole "Gor is harsh" thing (which is a load of crap - we aren't on Gor, it doesn't exist...please check you have your reality switched on), but this sort of thing seems outside of the spirit of roleplay. Yes, capture someone and trade them as a slave, but why does it have to be to a sim that is going to cause conflict over sexuality? A few weeks ago in Tabor, we accepted a straight man as a slave but released him as soon as his captors had gone - there seemed little point in keeping him, so yes maybe the attackers point about wasting two hours of roleplay is valid.

While unhappy about the homophobia from the man who griefed us, I can't help but feel that there are many other people who are in danger of bringing Gor in to the kind of disrepute that will get Linden Labs stamping restrictions all over it.

As a consequence of what happened, I have terminated my rental in Hillcrest and moved to a private Gorean residential sim - which is what I didn't want and partly defeats the object of being involved in roleplay in the first place.

Happiness and Sorrow (IC)

I have had a strange time since my last post; I could not have foreseen the events that have taken place.

While walking through Tabor I heard a commotion and discovered a group of Free Men and kajiri in the council chambers; a visiting warrior from Farnacium had been attacked by sleen. I was helped to get the man to the infirmary where I was able to tend to his wounds. I was rather worried at one point as I was afraid that I might lose him...so much blood, mostly due to a deep wound on his chest. One of the kajiri, a boy named Chance, assisted me by fetching and carrying the things I needed. He is such a helpful boy; I hope the city realises what potential he has.

I have a very close friend, who has come to mean so much to me in a very short space of time. His name is Tiber Delphin. I met him through a friend following a visit to Tabor. At that time he was magistrate in Tabor, though events have seen him change his homestone to Tharnock, which is also my homestone now. He has sought me as his Free Companion and I have accepted him gladly.

Leaving Tabor was very difficult for me. Although I had only been there a short time and had had some very unpleasant experiences there, I still view it with fondness. Some of the people there have brought great joy and warmth to my life. I hope I do not lose touch with them.

While collecting my things from the home I had in Hillcrest of Tabor, I was attacked. An unarmed member of the Green caste attacked in his own home without provocation. His motives can only be guessed at...

Thursday 23 July 2009

Slow Descent (IC except where indicated)

I still feel mad, but thankfully not as mad as I have been. I have vented my frustrations on my home, which now looks a mess especially due to the accident with the fire...and I can't remember if all of that blood is mine.

All was quiet in both Tharnock and Tabor while I was there today. I have been visiting the Oasis of the Golden Pleasure tent for the past few days. My dear friend Rufus suggested that it might be a good place for me to relax, so I have been making the journey there. I have only seen one person there so far; an initiate. He seemed friendly but we both had other places to be...mine was at an unusual place filled with many people I did not know (OOC: the RFL as part of the doctors and nurses hour on Sunday).

I was alone in Tabor early this morning. I did not quite know where I wanted to be so I found myself a spot on the bridge and sat watching the stars, as if searching for an answer from the Priest Kings. The bridge is a good place as you can observe all arrivals and decide what course of action you should take. A man approached me from the direction of the old market (OOC: the new market place setting is fantastic!). I had spoken to the man once before though I doubt he would remember it. He seems concerned with where I sit. The first time he spoke to me when I came to Tabor, he advised me against sitting on the grass by the gate as it was not a safe place. This morning he said something similar about the bridge. Unlike the first time we spoke, I said I was not worried about my safety. He did comment on my lack of weapons, but I mentioned my trusty syringe; little does anyone know that I have been using syringes to draw off my own 'bad' blood in an attempt to ease my anguish and suffering.

The man and I spoke for a few minutes; nothing at length but the conversation had depth. He gave me some wise advice and he seemed to be a kindly person, though I doubt he would thank me for saying that about him.

I still have no idea where I am going or what I am doing; the fear is leaving me but nothing else is replacing it and I am becoming empty. Perhaps my mind has a form of Dar-Kosis rather than my body. Mentally I will waste away until I am a strange figure shuffling around markets and attempting to jab people with a needle until someone finally strikes me down. I pray to the Priest Kings that whoever does it is swift and compassionate.

May the Priest Kings favour you.

Tuesday 21 July 2009

Insanity (OOC)

So I appear to be in the early stages of a breakdown again. Has anyone noticed? I offer my apologies to everyone around me. Perhaps I need to take a break.

Insanity (IC)

I am sure the people who have seen my sad, pathetic figure stumbling through Tabor, White Water, Tharnock, etc. will not have realised what is really wrong with me. Even those who have had the misfortune of listening to my insane ramblings may not have guessed the full extent of my issues. You see I, Nidge Darkfold, have allowed myself to be manipulated. I have let fears and rumours play on my mind and tear apart my relationships with those around me. I have wronged many and am now paying the price. I miss the friends I had started to gain in Tabor.

A friend advised me not to fall in love; I should have listened - I fell in love many times and the love was unrequited. Someone I did not know warned me of rumours making me paranoid. Again I did not listen and let the words of people I did not know prey on my weakened mind. I met a stranger who made me feel oddly threatened. His appearance was unfamiliar to me; his manner was odd. I let my suspicions take over; I now believe he could have been a friend.

As a newcomer to the cities I have visited, I have felt alone and friendless. I have not had a person to turn to, to lean on, to seek advice from. I have no desire to be a kajirus, but I need a strong companion to submit to. I am no longer sure that someone like that exists.

I am now trapped between homestones. Desperate not to let either down. Even more desperate to belong somewhere. I feel unable to stay in Tabor and unwilling to leave. I feel unable to fully give myself to Tharnock. I received word that Bac, the Dark Lord, is dead. While glad to hear he was no longer a threat, I was saddened as I had hoped to die by his hand and be free of my inner turmoil.

It was not until I sat with one of the Tabor city kajiri yesterday that I realised just how lost I am and how far from the truth I may have strayed. He is a lovely boy who will one day make the city proud and any master should be happy to own one such as he. He dreams of being Free and a great warrior. I dream of belonging and being cared for. Perhaps I should trade places with him. Sadly in the midst of a breakdown, my mind has been clouded. I have been a fool and I doubt I shall ever be forgiven for the errors of judgement I have made. May the Priest Kings have mercy upon me and show me the way before the thing I submit to is a syringe filled with kandar root.

May the Priest Kings favour you.

Sunday 19 July 2009

Developments (IC and OOC)

So I have had an eventful few days.- I was introduced to a new homestone. They welcomed me. A friend, who I care deeply for, allowed to me move in to his house and we spent alot of time together. We walked, talked, furred... There was a panther attack on the outpost and the Dark Lord was seen, but I was tucked away for my own safety - a dead physician is no good to the homestone. Although I suspect that depends on the views the people of the homestone have of the healer.

I spent some time talking to another friend about recent events - he said the same things have happened to him. It appears to be a kind of thing where they try to break you. Sadly it appears that people will just walk away instead. The next day I saw my friend captured, I told one of the warriors - I am still waiting for a response from him... In the end, I ran across two islands to alert the man's closest friends.

I had asked my friend if he had mentioned our discussions to anyone; he said he had not. I don't feel welcome here any more though. I have rent paid and people who say they care, but...

May the Priest Kings favour you...and me.

Thursday 16 July 2009

New Day (IC and OOC)

So this blog is IC and OOC. Make up your own mind which part is which; my head is scrambled and I don't know who, where or what I am at the minute.

I am tired and emotional. My real life stress (not being paid for five weeks as the company I work for has no money, the problem with my throat, etc.) is starting to wear me down. Yesterday's events in the Gorean world were more than I could handle. Roleplay is one thing, deliberate deception and deceitfulness are another entirely. Bitching, backstabbing and fighting openly amongst the members of a community are not acceptable. The prospect of losing a very good friend sent me over the edge. I wandered unchallenged through several sims last night - outlaws who have previously expressed an interest in me backed off as I stormed in to view. And it was such a simple thing to do; all I had to do was change the label on my meter to read "Just fuck off, okay?"

This morning I was less upset but more angry. I did my morning walk as always, watching an alleged friend who has removed me as a contact TPing from one sim to another seemingly to keep out of my path - I hope he isn't worried in case I find out that he left Gor and tried to get off with my non-Gorean partner while I was offline... I know everything that goes on within my land - who, where and for how long. I told my partner he should have gone for it.

I then went to the tavern in Tabor and sat quietly. I received a message from someone I had met only once. He asked me to join him; he also made the mistake of asking me how I was - so I told him exactly how I was. He was so lovely. He sat with me for at least an hour, talking to me, advising me, soothing my anger, etc. He made me smile which is something I did not expect to do. There were three pieces of really good advice he gave me - one of which was to not fall in love... I explained that in less than two weeks in Gor, I had fallen in love three times already. Of course, I didn't tell him who with, especially as one of them is partnered in SL and another is partnered in both SL and RL. One of them is a part of my homestone, one is from another sim and the last one is an outlaw. Thankfully ADHD means I have a short attention span - and I already have my non-Gorean partner who I have been with for longer than anyoe realises. I would still like to find a man in Gor. I am not talking about love or furring, I am looking for something deeper and more lasting - companionship. I don't care about his personal circumstances - he could be 18 or 80, he could be gay or straight (I did mention that there was no need for furring); I just want to not feel so alone when I walk the streets.

May the Priest Kings favour you.

Wednesday 15 July 2009

Bad Day (OOC)

So I am kind of having a bad day. False friends, lies, hate. Is that what Gor is all about? I fear I have lost someone I care deeply about. I fear someone who I think the world of is manipulating me. I no longer know who I can trust. I have no one I feel I can turn to for help or advice. Gor may have been harsh in the books, but it is nothing compared to what goes on SL. I am so close to just saying enough is enough and walking away from it all.

In All Honesty (OOC)

Having read much about SL Gor on the web (e.g. the Gorean Forums, etc.), I realise that there are certain issues that divide the community. One is permanent mutilation and/or permanent death. Another is alts. So, for anyone actually reading this and having any interest in it, I will set out my personal perspective on these two issues.

Firstly, permanent mutilation/death. No. Sorry, I don't accept it. I have heard the arguments that "this is Gor". No. This is SL. It isn't real. It is a virtual world. It is an entertainment form. I am here to have fun and enjoy myself. If I spend time and real money creating an avatar and a character, you are not taking it away from me on a whim - I pay, I play and you have no say. If you don't like my attitude on this, tough. If you believe you are in Gor, you need to seek professional help. If you want to maim, torture and kill me for no reason other than because you can, I would suspect that you have some deep seated issues and again should probably seek professional help, but I will roleplay along with you to the best of my ability if that is what floats your boat. If you think that ultimately your word is law and you have any control over me then you need to get some perspective.

Secondly, alts. People jump up and down screaming about alts in Gor. Well, guess what - I am an alt. I have another account in SL. My other account, however, does not come to Gor. He has his own life - a husband, a family, land, a nightclub (set in a better castle than some I have seen in Gor!), staff, an inventory to die for and, sadly, some of those blasted sionChickens.

I am open about being an alt. If anyone asks about my other account, I tell them the name - he isn't hard to find anyway as both accounts have the same first name (which is my RL nickname and the name I use all over the web - some people might think that is not very inventive, some people might realise it actually means I don't think I have anything to hide). The real life pictures on the two profiles are different but still me and the information on the tab is the same (more or less).

The problem arises when people bring alts in to the same sim or social circle (in and out of Gor) and use them to cause trouble - both IC and OOC. This can, in roleplay, be using IC information obtained by one account and used on another, OOC information
taken from profiles, web pages, etc. used the same way or by manipulating situations using two or more AVs.

I won't tolerate unnecessary drama. On my non-Gorean account I have a family who have given me more drama and heartache in both SL and RL than I can cope with. In SL they have bitched, sniped, had affairs, broken hearts, stolen, etc. In RL they have bitched, divorced, had breakdowns, attempted suicide, been diagnosed with cancer, been alcoholics, etc. And all this while my own health has been failing me since before Christmas last year.

So if you are a drama causing alt, please stay away from me - people have enough crap to deal with in their real lives. SL and specifically SL Gor is meant to be an adult world - act like an adult and leave your childish games behind.
I forgive but I never forget.

My Morning Walk (OOC)

So on my morning walk I go through the tavern in the Isle of Tabor and meet a stranger. I am fully aware from his tag that he is Dark Ahn, but having never met him within the context of roleplay I don't know this. Now I am new to Tabor and don't know many people - so I roleplay the same way with everyone I meet for the first time. I exchange a simple greeting and see what develops. I am a clearly identified by my dress as a member of the Green Caste and am (now) unarmed - at least according to appearances, so I pose no threat to anyone. I do seem to have attracted the attentions of at least four outlaws now. IC I am bemused as to why. Even though I have only been involved in Gor a short time, OOC I am fully aware of how they intend to play things out. This is gay Gor in SL so the formula is -

capture + rape + release
------------------------------------- = standard roleplay
unspecified period of time

This isn't my thing, but I would play along if the roleplay seemed to make sense - if it is the usual virtual sex and involves merely sitting on poseballs while emoting bland statements with no detail, then I will be off. As an aside, in the unlikely event that any man does want me in the furs, I will be expecting him to roleplay the whole sexual scenario and not just let his Xcite equipment do the talking. And speaking of Xcite and such things, do people use the Show Look At function? I do and I can see that an outlaw 94m away from me has his focus locked on my groin (the pink crosshairs are a giveaway). And why do allegedly straight men feel the need to play with my (numbed and muted outside the bedroom) Xcite equipment when we are in public places? Even if no one else sees the "Your whatever is being touched by whoever" message, I do - and I save them all in notecards! Hmmmmm, blackmail... /me grins evilly.

But I digress, so back to the main topic. The encounter in the tavern goes something like this:

Me: Tal sir
Him: Tal
Him: ((So the tavern is SZ))
Me: No

I stand and wait...nothing happens. So I type my next line. He is obviously a slow typist as his line appears a second before mine.

He emotes about wondering if it is worth capturing this green.

Me: Well I have errands to run. Safe paths.

I then walk right past him, out of the tavern, across the bridge, out through the gate and over to the group of free men and kajiri by the dock. He makes no attempt to stop me or to attack me. The man eventually emerges from the gate and emotes running past us and disappearing off in a boat. At least two of the group identify him as Dark Ahn.

So...I have been within a few metres of this man. I have seen his face clearly. He has been identified to me as an outlaw. Now then, Nidge Darkfold is high caste, an apprentice physician, a seemingly intelligent man. What are the chances of this outlaw ever getting close again? He will either have to sneak up or be disguised - otherwise, an apparently unarmed green will either avoid him and sound the alarms or stick him with a syringe and render him unconscious while he calls for assistance. If only it was permissable within the spirit of roleplay it would be a syringe of kandar root and he would be dead. Yes I know that everyone asks for thirty minutes of roleplay and a valid reason for death, but his possible intentions towards me would be my reason for killing and it isn't easy to roleplay with someone who is dead. As soon as he was close enough to strike me, he would be dropped to the floor.

Okay, I am a physician - your point is what exactly? That I am smiling and charming and helpful? Where is the fun in that? There is no Red Cross on Gor, I am not neutral and I have my own motivations.
Hell, with my as yet unrevealed backstory of killing both a rival and the injured raider who killed my Free Companion, what value am I going to place on the life of a yet another stinking outlaw?

My Morning Walk (IC)

I awoke in my home this morning. For once I had gone to rest without the aid of a vast quantity of Paga or Ka-la-na to numb the thoughts of my past. There didn't seem to be anyone around and I decided I would wander around Tabor to see if there were any signs of raids, etc. The walk affords me good exercise, my only other exercise being swimming up and down the river from my home to the centre of the city and back a few times. As an apprentice physician, I understand the importance of exercise to maintain both a healthy mind and a healthy body. Of course, many people probably do not realise my real motivation; I am taking careful note of my surroundings, the people, their conversations - more so, it would appear, than some of the guards do as they go charging around.

I live in Hillcrest so I wander through to the main Isle, through the gate to Northern Tabor, across to SilverTree and back home. When I enter the Isle of Tabor through the gates from Hillcrest, the steps lead me up to the upper floor of the tavern. I often come down through the tavern rather than walking the whole way around of the Isle, unless signs suggest I should do otherwise.

This morning I was greeted in the tavern by a man I did not recognise. After exchanging greetings, I left him and continued along my route - over the bridge and through the gate. I am sure many will think I am haughty or aloof, but I have better things to occupy myself with than making small talk with suspicious looking wanderers. Outside the gate I found a small group of people there; a physician, the Second Sword, a man I did not know and two kajiri - one of whom I am very fond, the other I did not know. As we greeted each other, the man from the tavern ran by, jumped in a boat and left. At least one of the free men and one kajirus identified the man as being Dark Ahn. Perhaps I will never know what his intentions towards me were. If our paths do cross again, I shall be better prepared to deal with him.

/me smooths down his tunic, smiling slyly as his hand brushes over the syringe loaded with a decoction of tassa carefully concealed in the hidden pocket and continues on his way.


May the Priest Kings favour you.

Tuesday 14 July 2009

Gor blimey! (OOC)

Okay, I am new to SL Gor and new to roleplay. Not sure which is the most unsettling for people - probably the lack of experience as a roleplayer, but everyone had to start somewhere and I am more than willing to learn.

Having visited many sims and spoken with (or silently observed - wearing the appropriate tag, of course) several scenarios, I soon realised that my roleplay skills were not as dire as I initially feared. During IC roleplaying I have heard and witnessed many things that even I knew was not within the spirit of things:
  • People saying things about sending IMs
  • People TPing out
  • People flying
  • Excessive use of lol/lmao/rofl (thankfully wild gesturing isn't prevalent)
  • Abbreviations (if you can't type a place name in full, I doubt you will produce an emote of any length/depth)
  • Been greeted by name by people I have never met
  • Been asked in open chat about things contained within my profile ("Oh I am in the UK too, where are you?" My answer being, "On Gor...")
  • Following an emoted sly and devious thought I was questioned on it (/me raises an eyebrow quizzically, "How odd that you should ask me such a question, I was not aware we had mind readers on Gor")
I always have my mini map open and wear a radar. I do these for my own personal information but do not let it affect my character. It is funny - and annoying - to watch people move away as I approach... As my character is a physician he was checked himself for the Bazi Plague, Dar-Kosis, etc. but found no traces of anything.

The thing I am least fond of is all the OOC drama that leaks in to the roleplay. I am fully aware of the harsh realities of Gor, but we are in Second Life which is an medium for interaction and entertainment. I have enough drama in my real life without helping people work through their issues in Second Life. A cancer scare and symptoms suggesting a stroke (though thankfully it proved otherwise) have been the highlights so far this year, so my head is occupied with other things. While it can be amusing to watch the bitching and backstabbing, I would like to engage in something else once in a while.

I am already tired of the people who would turn themselves inside out if they got any further up their own bumholes. I am tired of creeps and perverts - I am roleplaying for my own pleasure not so that some sicko can beat off while exploring a twisted BDSM fantasy in a virtual world - and believe me I am very open minded when it comes to exploring sexual fantasies which is why my SL roleplay limits are brief (nothing permanent (because nothing is in SL), I won't remain collared (if I had wanted to be a kajirus, I would have been) and anything else is open to discussion).

And one final point, I wish people would at least take a break from virtual sex long enough to interact with others once in a while! Of course, that could be my jealousy speaking as Nidge Darkfold's virtue is more or less intact... This is not a hint for any outlaws, etc. reading this to decide that I am ripe for the picking; I want it to be special - candlelight, soft music, being forced face down roughly in to soft furs. /me grins broadly before bursting out in to uproarius laughter.

Green with envy (IC)

So here I am, Nidge Darkfold of the planet Gor. Wandering. Aimless. Lonely. Wanting...

Searching across many cities I came upon the Isle of Tabor. Being a new face I was treated with suspicion, as is the Gorean way. Eventually I found a kindly soul from the nearby Tabor Deep who introduced me to a Taborean council member, who in turn introduced me to some of those who had made Tabor their homestone. From these initial meetings, relationships began to slowly build and I was accepted as an apprentice by the physician who dwells in Silver Tree.

So I have found a homestone and a role to fill. Still I am wanting. Wanting acceptance. Wanting to learn. Wanting new experiences. Wanting to keep my past hidden... I have made a couple of 'friends' but my nature means that I keep them at arm's length. There are a couple of men who have caught my eye, but their virile nature seems to ensure they are in the furs more or less constantly with a variety of others already.

Being a Green means showing warmth and compassion. Showing it is not the same as feeling it and already I have considered the sly tricks of women and sticking a syringe filled with a kandar root concoction in several of the free I have met. Of course, doing so would not be honourable. Still it is tempting and they should beware of coming within reach of my needle in private.


The boys of Tabor are very attentive, as are some of the boys of nearby White Water. Some of them need to attend classes with the slavers though, as their manners would earn them a beating from those less patient than me. Admittedly, the attentions of the kajiri are not something that interests me. My tastes lie in the arms of warriors and men it would not be good for me to be seen with. Strong men, proud men, dangerous men.

There seem to be changes afoot in Tabor and reports of danger and intrigue. Time will reveal all things - especially with the eyes and ears of the loyal kajiri keeping me supplied with information. And being an unthreatening healer allows me to pass by seemingly unnoticed.

May the Priest Kings favour you.