Fear (IC)

Nidge Darkfold wakes at the foot of his master's bed. He shivers in the cold morning air; his skin marked by goosebumps. The slave boy raises his head and peers on to the bed expectantly. It seems his master has not yet returned from his travels. Nidge whimpers softly. The separation from the master he loves is a punishment more terrible than any that his master has prescribed for him. He is tired and his head throbs. Though he is sleeping, he is not feeling rested - as his mind is tormented by thoughts of his past and fearful of the future.

In the early morning light, he reaches under the cushion and produces his few possessions. He is feeling cold and emotional. After a while of reading over his previous entries he is ready to make a new one.

"Today I felt more lost in this place than I have ever felt before in any place I have been.considering the things I have been through that is something that comes as a shock to me. My master is away on travels. The other masters do not appear to have any interest in me since it was made known, at the request of my master, that I am not to be used for pleasure or for serving. One of the masters said he would not even dare shoot arrows in my direction as it would please him too much and he knows I am not to be used for pleasure. My slave papers were updated yesterday to reflect recent changes in my status. Everyone is very busy and I have spent many hours alone. I am even unable to access the fort and the window alcove that has made me feel safe."

"One thing that was noted on my slave papers was that I am to assist in the infirmary. This had previously been mentioned by the Pasha. I had hoped that maybe one day if my master decided to free me, that I would be able to take up the post of healer in this place. Of course, he may never decide to free me. It seems of no consequence now anyway."

"New citizens have sought to make their home in Klima. Two of them are apprentices of the Green Caste... Another is a warrior; who seems very taken with the mistress. I like the warrior as he seems to have an easy disposition. There is also another Free Man, but I am not sure what his role is and even if he just a passing visitor. I am merely a lowly a slave and am made aware of this, as I felt my presence was too insignificant to even be acknowledged by some of them."

Nidge looks up from his journal. He is pleased there is no one around. His temper flares and he beats his fists viciously in to the cushion, raging at the position he has allowed himself to be put in. It seems to him that everything is to be denied to him in this place...perhaps in this life. He gave up everything to come to here and now he sees every road being cut off one at a time. Soon there will be no hope. A worthless, hopeless, useless animal. His attention shifts back to the journal. He picks it up. Feeling the soft leather of the cover, his thoughts move to the information he has recorded in it's pages and the happier times in his recent life. His modest home by the river in Tabor, the acceptance he found in Tharnock, the life that looked so promising in Scimitar Isle and the welcome he received in the Oasis of the Golden Pleasure Tents.

"The mistress said she had spoken to my master before he left and he told her that he has something to tell me on his return. She said she did not know what it was. I am worried that my master intends to sell me. I am untrained and have disobeyed him. Perhaps he does not see the point in sending me to school or keeping me in this place at all."

The pen of the once High Caste man and now worthless slave dithers over the page. Sometimes thoughts of running away fill his mind. If he did not love his master so much, he would surely flee while everyone was asleep. He likes the other masters here too...some more than others. The mistress is very dear to him as well and he does not know how he would feel about leaving her. He is sure she would be protected, but he likes being around her very much. Perhaps he would die crossing the desert. Perhaps he would be caught and beaten or put to death. Would it be worth the risk?

Nidge does not realise what is happening to him...or does not wish to accept it. His past is deeply buried in his subconscious mind; it is the only way he could continue to function given the guilt he was weighed down by. The events that have occurred to him lately are weakening his mental stability. Lost. Alone. Frightened. His mood fluctuates, though always in public he tries to maintain a bright, pleasing face to his masters. If he acknowledged such things, he might wonder how much longer he could go on or how much more he can take. But he doesn't. Instead he sits alone in the cold room, curled up and clutching his journal.

Past Imperfect (IC)

Nidge, the lowly salt slave of Klima, sleeps soundly on his new cushion at the foot of his master's bed. His master is away. Sometimes Nidge goes to sleep at the mistress's home when his master is away, but tonight he is in his master's place. He feels close to his master here surrounded by his master's things, the familiar feel and sounds and smells in this room.

The darkness is all consuming down here in the slaver's quarters in the kennel as the fire has not been lit tonight. There is a chill in the air but the heat of the desert sun takes several ahn to dissipate from the stone building. Nidge feels safe here.

After a while, Nidge begins to move restlessly on the cushion. The dark shadows of his past creep across his mind and invade his dreams. Nidge was born to respected parents. His father is a physician and his mother assists in the scribery. He has an older brother and a younger sister. Childhood was happy and he and his siblings were educated by both of their parents. His mother's talents in the scribery were very beneficial in helping her children study scrolls on medicines and keep notes and documents for the infirmary. Nidge loves his mother deeply and idolises the father who he once aspired to be like.

Things changed.

The young apprentice physician had grown up with many friends. One in particular, Tentius, was very dear to him. His friend was a strong and handsome builder of the city. He was jovial and popular with everyone. He was the first man that Nidge sumbitted to in the furs. The experience was a big step for him as it was the first time he revealed his true nature to anyone. Tentius had teased that he would place his collar at the throat of the healer if he was not careful in displaying his submissive side. Nidge had been horrified at the thought of this, but his friend had roared with laughter at the look on his face. It was morning before they slept and Nidge slumbered soundly in the arms of the man he adored, though he would not admit that he had come to love him so deeply.

That evening, Nidge had been on his way home from the market when he saw his lover emerge from a tavern. His heart raced at the sight of him. He was about to rush over to him when he realised his friend was with a man Nidge had seen before but did not know. Something in their manner made the healer feel uncomfortable. He delayed his return home in favour of following the two men. They lead Nidge back to Tentius' home. He watched with rising jealousy as they lost themselves in each other's arms.

When Nidge eventually saw his friend again, he did not mention what he had seen. He felt hurt and betrayed but they had enjoyed only one night together and no commitment had been spoken of. Nidge had no claim on the man. Later that night, he met Tentius in the tavern and ended up spending the night in his furs once more. His body had seemed truly alive and tingled with the sensations as the man used him roughly but lovingly. All of his senses were awakened and the next day it was as if the whole world was new to him.

As time went on, Nidge realised that the handsome builder he felt he could not live without was dividing his time between himself and the other man. Rage and jealousy boiled within him, but Tentius only had to speak and Nidge would run to be with him. He realised he was acting like a slave, but his need to be loved was too great for him to fight.

One day while alone in the infirmary, Nidge heard someone enter as he was preparing some salves. He had turned to see the man who he knew his lover was also furring. The man was a guard and had had an accident with a knife. His injury was not life threatening. Nidge's jealous was. Nidge said the wound would require minor surgery and offered the man something for the pain. The guard accepted and Nidge administered the lethal injection.

The physician said that the man told him he had been the victim of an unknown assailant. He said he suspected that there had been some poison on the blade that had cut him. Nidge's family were well respected so there was no reason to doubt what he said.

Later that night Nidge called on his lover. He pretended he was shocked that the man who had died in the infirmary a few ahn before had been known to Tentius. Nidge lead him to the furs were he made every effort to console his friend. The two of them spent more and more time together. Nidge sometimes thought of the man he murdered, but tried to push the images from his mind. Little did the guilty healer know but his mind was already starting to fracture.

Eventually Nidge was accepted as his lover's Free Companion. They lived happily for a long time. Each day, they were two Free Men of high caste going about their business, well thought of by their colleagues and friends. Each night in the privacy of the home they shared, they were master and slave. Sometimes the physician's body would ache with the pleasures and punishments meted out by his master in the furs. He loved him deeply.

One day a man came to the city. He was an outlaw, a thief. Nidge and Tentius discovered him as they strolled through the city and went to investigate a disturbance. It was that day that Nidge's Free Companion lost his life to the man's blade and the healer's heart was broken. In his desperate attempt to save the life of the man he loved so much, Nidge barely noticed the outlaw leave. When the physician was found an ahn later, cradling the body of his beloved, he was almost catatonic with grief.

Wandering outside the city walls much later, his mind and heart both destroyed, the physician stumbled upon an injured man. Instinctively he went to assist though his head was a jumble of thoughts and emotions. On seeing the injured man up close, his mind cleared for an instant. He took up the thief's knife and drove it in to him time and again, hacking the man apart.

Nidge did not return to his Home Stone. The following morning he washed himself in the river. He wandered many places, accepting payment for his services in numerous cities. Grief and guilt ate at him wherever he went. In time he would become suspicious, nervous and paranoid. His loathing for outlaws grew ever stronger. He was unaware that he would eventually be one himself. He did not think he would ever love again. He did not think he would have a Free Companion again. He did not think he would ever submit to a man again.

Nidge has since been the target of outlaws. He has even treated their injuries. He has had a Free Companion. He has loved. He has submitted. Sometimes it is almost as though the events that took place in his Home Stone of birth never occurred, but in the back of his mind the memory of them lurks. And waits. When it breaks through, he becomes irrational and emotional. The people who know him must wonder what darkness lies behind those moments. They can never know the truth.

Nidge rolls over on the cushion at the foot of his master's bed. Dreams of his master fill his head once more. Dreams of being close to him, his touch, how his skin feels, how he smells, how he tastes. If anyone could have seen him then, they would have seen the smile on his face. Nidge is fortunate. Very fortunate indeed.

To Serve and Protect (IC)

Nidge, the once aloof physician now lowly slave, runs in to the kennel under the palace. He goes quickly to his mat, his red feathered silks dancing wildly as he moves. He kneels down and sits back on his heels. His back is straight and his head held proudly. Something in his manner seems to change. His eyes move around the room furtively and his head turns as if he is listening. Seeing and hearing nothing, he springs up from his position and reaches under the mat for the journal, pen and ink. The slave boy then jumps to his feet and rushes back out from the kennel and across the courtyard to the fort. Bounding up the steps, he reaches the level which is his favourite place. He tucks himself in to the window alcove and settles down with his secret possessions. Nidge removes the top of the ink and takes up his pen.

"I have had a strange time of late. I am even less sure of where I fit now than I did in my previous life. I am still a green...but a green kajirus. My skills were required when my master was attacked by panthers who had somehow found their way in to the desert. I had to tend my master's injuries after he managed to chase them off. I was so afraid when I saw him hurt, but even more afraid of causing him further injury. He was hurt and angry and I feared greatly that he might lash out at me if I was clumsy. Thankfully I was able to treat his wounds well enough."

"Life in the Oasis is not what I expected. My master is often busy or asleep when I am awake. His Free Companion has looked after me as best he can too - he keeps me by him and ensures I am watched over. I watch the master building sometimes. He is building a new fort that will provide us with some shelter and defence as word of our location spread. My master also has a sister living here. The mistress is very lovely. She has an inquisitive nature and a sense of fun, but she is almost as strict with me as my master is. If she sees me wander too far from the city, she shouts for me to return immediately."

Nidge looks up from his writing. He turns and looks out of the window, surveying the desert outside the city walls. He wrinkles his nose up as he peers out in to the bright sunlight. The worthless slave is being punished for his actions. He is to tell his master everything that happens when he is not there. Nidge confessed that he went alone to two places he was told not to go and refused to tell his master who had been saying personal things to him. His master had raged at him and he feared he would be beaten. He was given a different punishment instead. He is not allowed to venture out of the Oasis on his own. He is not allowed to be in the furs with anyone - even his own master. He is not allowed to listen to words that men may whisper to him about their desires and intentions for him. Nidge sighs deeply, his shoulders slumping with the effort of the sigh. He is just a stupid boy who was once a healer that wandered freely in these lands. He used to sit in taverns and explore cities and forests. Life in the desert is hard.

"Everyone here seems to look after me, though my life has no value at all so I do not know why they treat me such. The master scribe has been teaching me how to bathe a master and gives me encouragement in my endeavours in the arena. There is a nasty ranger called Tarl at the arena; I was proud when I managed to capture him with my bow one day. The Pasha, who is a very handsome and important man, spares the time to speak to me and give me hugs when he sees that I am feeling lost."

"I spent a day with my master. He was not himself and I felt great pain in him. He kept me close by him and, in truth, I would have stayed by his side for the rest of time if he had but said I was to do so. That is something that worries me deeply. I am afraid something will happen to him or he will send me away if I displease him. Sometimes I think my heart will burst when I see him and hear his voice...I doubt any slave has ever loved a master as much as I love him."

Nidge closes his eyes and smiles. The warm rays of the sun filter through the window, but the heat from them is nothing compared to the warmth of his master's touch. The slave boy loves his master so much that his whole body aches for him when he is not around. Just to be in his master's presence fills him with joy; the kind of joy he had not felt when he was a Free Man. He is content to belong to someone and to love him unconditionally.

Nidge opens his eyes and looks around him as if checking he is not being watched, even though he knows he is alone. Sometimes in the eerie quiet of the fort, he feels as though he is being watched. The nights feel safe as darkness blankets the desert, but in the light everything seems harsh and scary. Nidge knows something. Tension fills his body and he feels his muscles tighten in an instant, like a great wave washing over him... He wonders if he should write down an event that has occurred. What will happen if someone found the journal? He would be punished if someone from the Home Stone found he had the journal whether they read it or not. But what if it was a visitor to the Home Stone that learned what had happened? Staring down at the page, he decides he will take the risk; if they come to the Oasis, the probably know anyway.

"I know that the Isle of Farnacium is now lost. I was shocked to learn of such things as the city had been very beautiful. I still find it hard to believe that such a place could be gone. I know that the story of the loss is true. Some survivors from Farnacium came to visit us; there was a very handsome master and his boy. Perhaps they will come to stay in the Oasis. I would like that as the master's boy helped me greatly when I was required to serve the master with drinks. I have not been trained in such matters so I was terrified of making a mess out of it, but things seemed to be acceptable. I am worried that people may learn of their presence here though and come to cause harm."

A shiver runs down the length of Nidge's spine. He is afraid of fighting. As a Green, he was not meant to wield weapons. He lacks skill with them, which shows how little training he has had. Despite practice in the arena, it is often more luck that he hits the target rather than actually being any good with a bow. His attention shifts back to his journal and the events that occurred on the previous day.

"The next day, we were attacked by a lone warrior. He tried to take the mistress away, but Pasha and one of the other masters stopped him. I was ashamed that I was not able to protect the mistress better. After the stranger was banished, another master took me to a market to buy some new weapons. I was embarrassed as a slave does not have any money or items to trade. He got cross with me saying that they were gifts and I had better not offer pay him again. I apologised and thanked him - a lot. He is a very nice master and I feel comfortable being around me. I know he would look after me well. He is going to train with me so I am able to defend the Home Stone better in future."

"My master woke up and found I was gone from the Oasis. He was very angry at me when I got back, but accepted that the other master would have kept me safe and was helping me to get weapons. I told my master all the things that had happened to me while he was sleeping; that I was learning to bathe a master and learning to serve. I felt very proud of my achievements. My master was very, very cross again. He said I was his personal property and not a city slave and if other masters wanted me to do anything they had to talk to him first and he would tell me what I was to do. The master who had taken me shopping seemed cross too. He then sent scrolls to everyone in the Oasis saying that they were not to tell me to do things unless my own master had approved them. He then said if anyone told me to do something in future, I was to go to him if I could not find my master. I felt very foolish and embarrassed for my pride and getting masters I like upset at me. I did not realise I was doing wrong; I have a lot to learn. My master is thinking of sending me to school. I think he is unhappy with my behaviour."

Nidge puts down the journal and pen and curls up in to a tight ball on the stone floor of the window alcove. The sun is warm. Despite his failings and his punishment, he is happy. Presently he falls asleep in the heat of the day. In his sleep, Nidge murmurs softly as he dreams of his master. Suddenly he springs up. For a moment he is confused as to where he is. Did he hear a sound? He quickly seals the ink and picks up his things. He moves quietly down the steps of the tower, peering cautiously around the corners in case someone is there. Moving swiftly out of the fort and around the edge of the city, he heads to the kennel. Once in the kennel he relaxes a little and is able to store his possessions under his mat undetected. The salt slave then races out of the city to swim in the water of the Oasis, while keeping a watchful eye for visitors.

Desolation (IC)

Nidge Darkfold sits alone in the kennel that is now his home. He sits alone on the mat that his master has provided for him. His face is marked by tears once more and his eyes are rimmed with red from crying. He fumbles under his mat for his journal, pen and ink. They have not been discovered so far. Nidge opens his journal to a blank page, removes the top from his ink and dips his pen. In the dim light of the kennel lamps, he marks the page with his pen.

"I sent a scroll to my master. In the scroll, I explained to my master how I had come to the position I was now in - how I left my family and my city to explore the world we live in and the events that had taken place since I had left my Home Stone. I told my master that I now realised that I was worth no more than any other lowly possession. I have given up my caste to be with the master I love so very, very much. The master I had wanted when I was a master and he was a boy."

"I wanted my master to understand me. I know it is not the place of a slave to expect anything from his master, but I wanted him to know why I submitted to him. I told my master that I had only sought one thing in my life and that was to have a man love me. Love had either been snatched away or had alluded me in some other way and I was left alone in the world, forced to wander from place to place. I now realise that because of my position in life, I will never know that love. I love my master, but I know he can never love me back, for I am nothing."

A tear falls from his face on to the page. Nidge stifles the urge to cry again; he does not wish the other slaves in the kennel to know of his pain. He fears he will be punished by his master for his foolishness. He is but a boy, but even a boy would be shamed if he was pitied, especially if the boy was once a proud and haughty physician.

"I also wrote that I understood that my master already had a Free Companion and I told him that I was willing to serve both of them and would accept my fate at their hands for as long as they wished to own me."

"My master does not know that I cannot stay as a slave. He does not know the pain I go through every time I am without him...and every time I am with him. I have no right to the emotions I feel, but I am so very jealous of his Free Companion. They have each other and I have no one. They have the acceptance of their positions and their commitment that I was never able to find."

"Gor is harsh, too harsh for a mere boy on his own."

Nidge stops writing. He longs to feel the love of a Free Companion of his own. He yearns to feel arms around him, a warm body over his and lips against his own. Nidge realises these things may happen, but they will be out of lust rather than love and because he has to serve the man, rather than be loved by him. He knows now that love can never be his. He knows now he is more alone than he ever thought possible.

The slave inhales sharply and an involuntary shudder runs through his body as swiftly and coldly as a blade. He does not know what will happen to him, but his thoughts of taking his own life are still in the back of his mind. Nidge feels the pain inside him. It is a pain he is used to. It is a pain he is not sure he can live with much longer. It is the pain of his heart breaking. He closes the journal, seals the ink and stows his last three possessions under his mat.

Nidge stands up and moves solemnly and silently out of the kennel. Everyone is asleep. He moves out of the gate in to the cold night of this desert place. Walking for a little while, he comes to his favourite spot by the water's edge. He kneels down and closes his eyes. The sound of the water is soothing. He has always been fond of the sea, for it provided the possibility of adventure, of new people, of hope. The tears roll down his cheeks once more as he sobs quietly, all alone in the night.

Preparations (IC)

Nidge Darkfold grabs his journal, pen and ink from under his mat. No one is around to see him. Tears stream down his face. He opens the ink and struggles frantically with the pen and journal. His mind is destroyed totally.

"I am so alone. I am more alone now as a slave than I ever was as a Free Man. I am used and cast aside like a worthless object - which is what I have become. That which I most desire is denied to me totally and can never be mine in this life. The happiness I have always craved in the arms of a strong man who loves me is now out of reach."

"I am in charge of the infirmary. I know what to do. I am making preparations. Death will not be swift, but it will give me a release from this living hell."

Nidge slams the book closed and thrusts it under the mat with the pen. He then seals the ink and puts it under the mat too. He sobs, his body lurching violently. He gets up from his mat and races in to the desert screaming.

A Thousand Pieces (IC)

Nidge Darkfold wakes up with a start. The darkness is all consuming - and so is the night. Darkness both inside and all around him. He strains to see around the room. Perhaps it was all a dream... Nidge moves his hand hesitantly up towards his neck, even though there is no need to do so; he can already feel the steel band at his throat. Still, he persists and feels his stomach lurch as his fingertips touch the cold metal that encircles his neck. Nidge does not cry - there are no tears left within his body.

Scrabbling furtively under his mat in the kennel at the Oasis which is now his home, he produces his most prized possessions - the journal, pen and ink. He knows he is not allowed possessions. He is afraid they will be found and destroyed. He is afraid he will be punished. A shiver runs through the body of the once high caste man who is now reduced to the life of a slave. He has given up everything...his caste, his house, his belongings. As friends have heard of his fate, they have turned away from him and said they needed to move on from him. He is no more than an animal and they cannot taint themselves with him. A slave born as a slave is one thing and there to be enjoyed. A Free Man collared by force is another. Of course, his situation is worse - a Free Man who has submitted; no matter what the reasons.

Nidge slips quietly out of the kennel in search of a place with light so he can record the events that have brought him to this point. In the dim glow of the lights of the palace above him, he settles down behind a tree, opens the ink and his journal. He dips the pen in the ink and begins to write what he fears may be his final entry.

"The events of late have been very traumatic. I do not know where to begin. All is lost. All is lost."

"A kajirus who saved me from being raped by one of the red caste in a former Home Stone sent me a note to say he was being punished. He did not mention what his crime was, but I knew he was an unruly boy. I went to visit him to see how he was. He told me his master had decreed he should be used as a pleasure slave. As I found him attractive, this made me smile. He then produced a knife and forced me to remove my clothes. He threatened to rape me. As it turned out, this was not as bad as it was to get. He wanted me to submit to him and said if I did not do so, he would use the knife to penetrate me. Seizing an opportunity, I fled naked in to the desert. He did not give chase, but I heard his laughter echoing after me. I felt such shame and hurt."

"I finally found my way home and washed myself before resting as best I could. When my nerve returned, I went to my former Home Stone. I recognised outlaws at the fort. They warned me to stay out of whatever was taking place. Seeing a member of the red caste, I went to him but he ran off. Time and again I attempted to solicit help from him but he backed away each time he saw me approach. I heard voices of my friends within the fort and was desperate to assist them in anyway I could. My mind reeled from what I heard. They were making a list of the outlaws they had seen. My name was one of them! I finally understood why the red caste had run from me - he thought I meant to attack him. I, an unarmed member of the green caste, born of high caste, was still considered an outlaw and a threat. I fled with tears streaming down my face. In effect, insult was added to earlier injury. Cast out by those I had assumed were my friends."

"I returned to my home once more and kept myself out of the way while I tried to stabilise my delicate emotional balance. It felt as though I was being torn apart; piece after piece ripped from me and cast to the elements. Eventually I must have fallen asleep. When I awoke the next, I received some news that made me truly happy. In a former Home Stone, there had been a boy. I was very fond of the boy, but he ran away before I could claim him. My weakness, I thought, was hidden and I attempted to block my feelings; I did not suspect anyone knew that I had betrayed myself as a master and fallen deeply in love with boy. I had planned to take him as mine and flee from my home; to build a life together where no one knew us or would find us. It made me so happy and so proud to learn that the boy I loved so much was now a Free Man. A slaver, no less."

"He came to visit me. We joked around. I went a step too far and laughingly placed a collar around my neck. He snapped it shut and claimed me as his property! At first I thought it was all part of the fun, but he soon made me understand he was not joking. He attached a leash and lead me around a market for silks and then on to a former Home Stone. Following our brief visit there, he took me to his kennels and allocated me a mat to sleep on. I was desperately unsure of everything - my new home, my new master and myself. I believe he is a kind man, a loving man and I hoped his plans for me were kind and loving. I once sought comfort in the arms of men, but now I find myself afraid to be around them if my master is not near. I was proud to belong to him though and believed he would protect me as best as anyone could in this harsh world."

"I settled down to sleep on my mat, my head filled with thoughts of my handsome, loving master and how I could make him proud of me. When I awoke, there were further surprises lying in wait for me. The kajirus who had attacked me at knife point, had killed himself. I then met a master and a girl. Despite my master being a slaver, I was naive and had not thought things through; I suppose I had been consumed with happiness at the thought of being owned. I had longed to find a man who I could submit to - though my intention had been to only do so in the furs. Of course, I now realised I would only be one of a chain. Perhaps to only be used on a whim or left to sit in the kennels for an unimaginable time, forced to do chores and learn who best to serve the Free. The final shock sent me reeling. The master who was with the girl introduced himself to me - as my master's Free Companion."

"I am worried that I will be required to serve the Free Companion in the furs and anyone else my master chooses to share me with. I am untrained and fear I will be punished and abused."

"My heart is broken. My mind is broken. My reputation is broken. My will is broken. I have only my body and it belongs to whoever my master chooses. My physician's training has taught me much; I know how to break my body too..."

Nidge closes the journal and seals the ink. He picks up the three things he has left in all the world and returns to the kennel. The possessions are stowed under his mat. Perhaps someone will find them.

Turning away from his mat, the lowly slave leaves the kennel once more. Nidge crosses the courtyard carefully so as not to be seen but is single-minded in his determination to reach the infirmary. Once at the infirmary and sure no one has seen him, he begins to look for kanda root...

Consuming Passion (IC)

Nidge Darkfold wakes on the furs on the floor of the room. He feels the chill of the night air upon his skin as goosebumps break out across his body and the hairs stand on end. He has slept well; mostly due to the sleeping draught that he took to ensure he would. The wandering physician lies shivering for a few ehn, his head groggy. He rises from the fur and dresses quickly in the darkness. No sounds reach his ears. As always, he is alone.

Scuffling in the darkness, he lights a lamp and a warm glow fills the room. He feels a comfort in the soft light, as if it softens his mood and his thoughts as much as it softens the contents of the room. The fabric at the window and door openings stirs in the cool, night air. Nidge paces the room a while, stretching his limbs before settling down on the cushion in the corner. From his bag he takes out the pen, ink pot and journal that he records his thoughts and adventures. There is little to write, but the oasis is quiet so he determines to spend a few moments in recorded reflection. He opens the ink pot and dips the pen in it. His words are entered on to a clean page within the journal.

"No great adventures have occurred since my last entry. I have wandered several islands with only my tarn for company. On a river delta I rested at an abandoned encampment and was eventually greeted by a fellow wanderer. He spoke of places I knew. He spoke of places I love. His words encouraged me to make the journey to Tharnock, where I was pleased to see some familiar faces. Things are different there now than when I resided there. The place is in the hands of outlaws. I was treated well on my visit. They may be outside of the law but they still seem to respect those of my caste. I am still unsure as to whether I could return there permanently, even if they wanted me to. When I first went there, it was because there was something there for me. That thing is now gone and I do not know if I would find it again in the same place. Or even if I will find it again ever."

"As I wandered the many lonely places, beautiful but desolate, I felt a need deep inside me. It is a need I have always had and one I have admitted to privately. How I long to submit myself totally to a man! A strong man. A kind man. A passionate man. A truly dominant man. I do not write these thoughts of submission as a yearning to submit to a collar, but more as the desire to yield to the mind and body of someone who understands what it really means to be a master. I have met so many who are referred to as master. Indeed as a free man, I am addressed as such. Few, I suspect, understand the true relationship between dominant and submissive. The bond of trust. The intimacy. The consensual giving away and acceptance of power. I seek someone who will care for me and appreciate the attentions I can offer him when he desires me to. Someone I can cling to in the cold, dark nights and feel safe by his side."

Nidge slams the journal shut and throws it in to his bag with the pen. He seals the ink and adds it to the bag. Suddenly he feels more alone than ever. He rises from the cushion and slips out in to the darkness as a solitary tear slips down his cheek.

Heat Rising (IC)

Nidge Darkfold brushes the cloth hanging aside and wanders casually in to the room. The sun streams in through the window openings and the air seems rough with the dryness of this desert place. Sometimes during the day the heat here is stifling and he has to swim in the waters to keep cool. At night it can be cold, but the sky looks so beautiful uncluttered as it is by buildings and lights that he stands looking up at it for many an ahn. The stars look down on him and he looks back at them wondering what is out there.

He walks over to the corner of the room and slips his backpack off. Slowly he undresses; it is so hot here and no one is around. He is naked here most of the time, occasionally covering himself with a loose piece of cloth if he needs to greet visitors to this place. Mostly they come to look around or to find a quiet spot to escape from something or someone. Rarely does anyone need medical attention here. It is attention of another sort they come here for, but he avoids that kind of contact here.

Slumping down on to a cushion, Nidge rests for a moment before reaching in to his backpack for a pouch of water he carries with him. He takes a long drink from it. He must remember to fill it from the pump in the infirmary below.

The weary physician reaches in to his backpack once more and takes out three of his dearest possessions - a pen, a container of ink and his journal. He flicks through the journal to find an empty page. Removing the top from the container of ink, he dips his pen in it and begins to mark the page with the archaic symbols of the physicians.

"Life has been quieter since I made my past entry...and yet it has been interesting, at least from my point of view. I had received an invitation to visit another oasis to visit a boy I was very fond of.

When I arrived, weary from my travels, I found the boy in good health. I was given a tour of the magnificent desert city and introduced to the scribe and a sheik. I also met another man and a couple of other slaves. I had already met one of the slaves before, but it is best if I do not reveal how as I would hate the boy to get in to trouble for assisting me. All seemed very welcoming. I did spend some time with the boy I had hoped to claim as mine. Rather a long time, in fact. Even as boys go, he is an excellent example. During our time together, he told me something that disturbed me greatly; the reason that he left our former homestone was because of the cruelty of my former free companion. I was hurt to hear such a thing. Sadly it is not the first time I have heard such things of the man who still holds a place in my heart even though he has now gone from my life for good."

Melancholy washes over the physician. He puts down his pen and buries his face in his hands. He sobs quietly. Tears fall for the boy. Tears fall for his former lover. Tears fall for himself. His body heaves with the sudden strain of the emotions that burst forth without warning. He cries out in this beautiful but desolate place; the words are lost in the shimmering air. He wonders when this situation is ever going to end. Words are spoken against his former free companion wherever he goes; his dark, violent moods and his terrible words. Nidge rises from the cushion and goes to rest on one of the furs. After a few ehn, he cries himself to sleep - exhausted and alone in the heat and sand and blinding sunlight.

After a couple of ahn, Nidge awakes from his fitful sleep. The heat is no less than it was when he submitted to the dark dreams he has. The sweat on his bare skin glistens in the sunlight that floods in to the room. He rises from the fur, picks up the water pouch and steps out of the doorway. Holding a hand up to shield his eyes from the glare, he peers out in to the desert city. No one is around. He quickly makes his way down the steps and opens the heavy wooden door of the infirmary. In the main room, he fills his water pouch from the pump. He then goes back to the door where he deposits the pouch before emerging in to the sunlight once more. The physician runs across the sand, his feet burning with each step, and he descends the rope bridge. He quickly slips in to the water. In the coolness of the water, he washes his face to clean away the feeling of dried tears before swimming around, enjoying the feel of the water on his skin. After some time in the water, he gets out and makes his way back to the room above the infirmary, collecting his water pouch as he passes. On entering the room, he crosses to the cushion in the corner and takes up his journal and pen once more. His mood has lifted and he dips his pen to continue his writing.

"I visited a friend in another fine city. It is a place I had visited before for the market, the storytellings and to catch a glimpse of a member of the red caste, who I once tended to. The friend who I visited is of the same caste as I. I have found him to be very attentive and charming in all our dealings and have enjoyed spending time in his company. Sadly, he is painfully aware that not everyone enjoys time with him so much...but that works in my favour as he has more time for me. I hope my time with him brings some joy to his life and relief from the dramas around him."

Nidge touches the pen to his lips, remembering the feeling of his friend's lips there. He smiles wistfully as he thinks of the man's arms around him as they bathed together. How close they seemed then and now so far apart. They had spoken many words during the intimate time they had enjoyed together; words that had brought understanding, words that had brought comfort and words that had brought warmth.

"After I had spent some quiet time with my friend, he showed me around parts of the city I had not been to. There are some truly wonderful places hidden away out of sight. The city seemed as empty as my desert dwelling, but I had him as my companion so anyone else would have been a mere distraction anyway."

"Rising early this morning, I set off on my travels once more and found myself in one on my former homestones. I observed three masked men swimming by me and heading for land. Of course, masks are always a cause for concern so I slipped in to the city. Thankfully I still have a key for the main gate. I think one of the men may not have been so happy when I closed the city gate. Well actually I slammed it. In his face. I heard him mutter but decided it was best if I did not linger to find out if he was injured. The three of them found a way in to the city with surprising ease so I suspect they had scouted around there prior to my arrival. I tried to run to safety but was captured by them."

"I was bound while unconscious. When I recovered, I was stripped of my cloak. It was at this moment that circumstances changed - one of them saw my caste armband. Despite being Dark Ahn, they respected my caste status and I was cut free. This surprised me as once I had regained consciousness I had berated them and taunted them for their actions! A risky move perhaps, but I wanted them to know that I did not fear them despite being unarmed and alone with three of them. They did prove to be something of a disappointment though; all attempts at flirting with them in the hope of seeing their home fell on deaf ears. I was quite insulted as I do not usually have to work that hard on a man! I was able to leave without further incident, though I suspect that there was trouble after I left."

Nidge closes his journal and puts it back in to his bag, with the pen and the water pouch. He seals the ink and puts it away too. Standing up, he slips out to visit the tavern in the centre of the oasis. He pauses in the doorway for a moment - and then decides that clothing seems of little point. A smile passes across his lips as he wonders what lies ahead; for the first time, he feels unafraid of the future...though somewhere deep within him, he is sure he is tempting fate.