Desolation (IC)

Nidge Darkfold sits alone in the kennel that is now his home. He sits alone on the mat that his master has provided for him. His face is marked by tears once more and his eyes are rimmed with red from crying. He fumbles under his mat for his journal, pen and ink. They have not been discovered so far. Nidge opens his journal to a blank page, removes the top from his ink and dips his pen. In the dim light of the kennel lamps, he marks the page with his pen.

"I sent a scroll to my master. In the scroll, I explained to my master how I had come to the position I was now in - how I left my family and my city to explore the world we live in and the events that had taken place since I had left my Home Stone. I told my master that I now realised that I was worth no more than any other lowly possession. I have given up my caste to be with the master I love so very, very much. The master I had wanted when I was a master and he was a boy."

"I wanted my master to understand me. I know it is not the place of a slave to expect anything from his master, but I wanted him to know why I submitted to him. I told my master that I had only sought one thing in my life and that was to have a man love me. Love had either been snatched away or had alluded me in some other way and I was left alone in the world, forced to wander from place to place. I now realise that because of my position in life, I will never know that love. I love my master, but I know he can never love me back, for I am nothing."

A tear falls from his face on to the page. Nidge stifles the urge to cry again; he does not wish the other slaves in the kennel to know of his pain. He fears he will be punished by his master for his foolishness. He is but a boy, but even a boy would be shamed if he was pitied, especially if the boy was once a proud and haughty physician.

"I also wrote that I understood that my master already had a Free Companion and I told him that I was willing to serve both of them and would accept my fate at their hands for as long as they wished to own me."

"My master does not know that I cannot stay as a slave. He does not know the pain I go through every time I am without him...and every time I am with him. I have no right to the emotions I feel, but I am so very jealous of his Free Companion. They have each other and I have no one. They have the acceptance of their positions and their commitment that I was never able to find."

"Gor is harsh, too harsh for a mere boy on his own."

Nidge stops writing. He longs to feel the love of a Free Companion of his own. He yearns to feel arms around him, a warm body over his and lips against his own. Nidge realises these things may happen, but they will be out of lust rather than love and because he has to serve the man, rather than be loved by him. He knows now that love can never be his. He knows now he is more alone than he ever thought possible.

The slave inhales sharply and an involuntary shudder runs through his body as swiftly and coldly as a blade. He does not know what will happen to him, but his thoughts of taking his own life are still in the back of his mind. Nidge feels the pain inside him. It is a pain he is used to. It is a pain he is not sure he can live with much longer. It is the pain of his heart breaking. He closes the journal, seals the ink and stows his last three possessions under his mat.

Nidge stands up and moves solemnly and silently out of the kennel. Everyone is asleep. He moves out of the gate in to the cold night of this desert place. Walking for a little while, he comes to his favourite spot by the water's edge. He kneels down and closes his eyes. The sound of the water is soothing. He has always been fond of the sea, for it provided the possibility of adventure, of new people, of hope. The tears roll down his cheeks once more as he sobs quietly, all alone in the night.