Fear (IC)

Nidge Darkfold wakes at the foot of his master's bed. He shivers in the cold morning air; his skin marked by goosebumps. The slave boy raises his head and peers on to the bed expectantly. It seems his master has not yet returned from his travels. Nidge whimpers softly. The separation from the master he loves is a punishment more terrible than any that his master has prescribed for him. He is tired and his head throbs. Though he is sleeping, he is not feeling rested - as his mind is tormented by thoughts of his past and fearful of the future.

In the early morning light, he reaches under the cushion and produces his few possessions. He is feeling cold and emotional. After a while of reading over his previous entries he is ready to make a new one.

"Today I felt more lost in this place than I have ever felt before in any place I have been.considering the things I have been through that is something that comes as a shock to me. My master is away on travels. The other masters do not appear to have any interest in me since it was made known, at the request of my master, that I am not to be used for pleasure or for serving. One of the masters said he would not even dare shoot arrows in my direction as it would please him too much and he knows I am not to be used for pleasure. My slave papers were updated yesterday to reflect recent changes in my status. Everyone is very busy and I have spent many hours alone. I am even unable to access the fort and the window alcove that has made me feel safe."

"One thing that was noted on my slave papers was that I am to assist in the infirmary. This had previously been mentioned by the Pasha. I had hoped that maybe one day if my master decided to free me, that I would be able to take up the post of healer in this place. Of course, he may never decide to free me. It seems of no consequence now anyway."

"New citizens have sought to make their home in Klima. Two of them are apprentices of the Green Caste... Another is a warrior; who seems very taken with the mistress. I like the warrior as he seems to have an easy disposition. There is also another Free Man, but I am not sure what his role is and even if he just a passing visitor. I am merely a lowly a slave and am made aware of this, as I felt my presence was too insignificant to even be acknowledged by some of them."

Nidge looks up from his journal. He is pleased there is no one around. His temper flares and he beats his fists viciously in to the cushion, raging at the position he has allowed himself to be put in. It seems to him that everything is to be denied to him in this place...perhaps in this life. He gave up everything to come to here and now he sees every road being cut off one at a time. Soon there will be no hope. A worthless, hopeless, useless animal. His attention shifts back to the journal. He picks it up. Feeling the soft leather of the cover, his thoughts move to the information he has recorded in it's pages and the happier times in his recent life. His modest home by the river in Tabor, the acceptance he found in Tharnock, the life that looked so promising in Scimitar Isle and the welcome he received in the Oasis of the Golden Pleasure Tents.

"The mistress said she had spoken to my master before he left and he told her that he has something to tell me on his return. She said she did not know what it was. I am worried that my master intends to sell me. I am untrained and have disobeyed him. Perhaps he does not see the point in sending me to school or keeping me in this place at all."

The pen of the once High Caste man and now worthless slave dithers over the page. Sometimes thoughts of running away fill his mind. If he did not love his master so much, he would surely flee while everyone was asleep. He likes the other masters here too...some more than others. The mistress is very dear to him as well and he does not know how he would feel about leaving her. He is sure she would be protected, but he likes being around her very much. Perhaps he would die crossing the desert. Perhaps he would be caught and beaten or put to death. Would it be worth the risk?

Nidge does not realise what is happening to him...or does not wish to accept it. His past is deeply buried in his subconscious mind; it is the only way he could continue to function given the guilt he was weighed down by. The events that have occurred to him lately are weakening his mental stability. Lost. Alone. Frightened. His mood fluctuates, though always in public he tries to maintain a bright, pleasing face to his masters. If he acknowledged such things, he might wonder how much longer he could go on or how much more he can take. But he doesn't. Instead he sits alone in the cold room, curled up and clutching his journal.