A Thousand Pieces (IC)

Nidge Darkfold wakes up with a start. The darkness is all consuming - and so is the night. Darkness both inside and all around him. He strains to see around the room. Perhaps it was all a dream... Nidge moves his hand hesitantly up towards his neck, even though there is no need to do so; he can already feel the steel band at his throat. Still, he persists and feels his stomach lurch as his fingertips touch the cold metal that encircles his neck. Nidge does not cry - there are no tears left within his body.

Scrabbling furtively under his mat in the kennel at the Oasis which is now his home, he produces his most prized possessions - the journal, pen and ink. He knows he is not allowed possessions. He is afraid they will be found and destroyed. He is afraid he will be punished. A shiver runs through the body of the once high caste man who is now reduced to the life of a slave. He has given up everything...his caste, his house, his belongings. As friends have heard of his fate, they have turned away from him and said they needed to move on from him. He is no more than an animal and they cannot taint themselves with him. A slave born as a slave is one thing and there to be enjoyed. A Free Man collared by force is another. Of course, his situation is worse - a Free Man who has submitted; no matter what the reasons.

Nidge slips quietly out of the kennel in search of a place with light so he can record the events that have brought him to this point. In the dim glow of the lights of the palace above him, he settles down behind a tree, opens the ink and his journal. He dips the pen in the ink and begins to write what he fears may be his final entry.

"The events of late have been very traumatic. I do not know where to begin. All is lost. All is lost."

"A kajirus who saved me from being raped by one of the red caste in a former Home Stone sent me a note to say he was being punished. He did not mention what his crime was, but I knew he was an unruly boy. I went to visit him to see how he was. He told me his master had decreed he should be used as a pleasure slave. As I found him attractive, this made me smile. He then produced a knife and forced me to remove my clothes. He threatened to rape me. As it turned out, this was not as bad as it was to get. He wanted me to submit to him and said if I did not do so, he would use the knife to penetrate me. Seizing an opportunity, I fled naked in to the desert. He did not give chase, but I heard his laughter echoing after me. I felt such shame and hurt."

"I finally found my way home and washed myself before resting as best I could. When my nerve returned, I went to my former Home Stone. I recognised outlaws at the fort. They warned me to stay out of whatever was taking place. Seeing a member of the red caste, I went to him but he ran off. Time and again I attempted to solicit help from him but he backed away each time he saw me approach. I heard voices of my friends within the fort and was desperate to assist them in anyway I could. My mind reeled from what I heard. They were making a list of the outlaws they had seen. My name was one of them! I finally understood why the red caste had run from me - he thought I meant to attack him. I, an unarmed member of the green caste, born of high caste, was still considered an outlaw and a threat. I fled with tears streaming down my face. In effect, insult was added to earlier injury. Cast out by those I had assumed were my friends."

"I returned to my home once more and kept myself out of the way while I tried to stabilise my delicate emotional balance. It felt as though I was being torn apart; piece after piece ripped from me and cast to the elements. Eventually I must have fallen asleep. When I awoke the next, I received some news that made me truly happy. In a former Home Stone, there had been a boy. I was very fond of the boy, but he ran away before I could claim him. My weakness, I thought, was hidden and I attempted to block my feelings; I did not suspect anyone knew that I had betrayed myself as a master and fallen deeply in love with boy. I had planned to take him as mine and flee from my home; to build a life together where no one knew us or would find us. It made me so happy and so proud to learn that the boy I loved so much was now a Free Man. A slaver, no less."

"He came to visit me. We joked around. I went a step too far and laughingly placed a collar around my neck. He snapped it shut and claimed me as his property! At first I thought it was all part of the fun, but he soon made me understand he was not joking. He attached a leash and lead me around a market for silks and then on to a former Home Stone. Following our brief visit there, he took me to his kennels and allocated me a mat to sleep on. I was desperately unsure of everything - my new home, my new master and myself. I believe he is a kind man, a loving man and I hoped his plans for me were kind and loving. I once sought comfort in the arms of men, but now I find myself afraid to be around them if my master is not near. I was proud to belong to him though and believed he would protect me as best as anyone could in this harsh world."

"I settled down to sleep on my mat, my head filled with thoughts of my handsome, loving master and how I could make him proud of me. When I awoke, there were further surprises lying in wait for me. The kajirus who had attacked me at knife point, had killed himself. I then met a master and a girl. Despite my master being a slaver, I was naive and had not thought things through; I suppose I had been consumed with happiness at the thought of being owned. I had longed to find a man who I could submit to - though my intention had been to only do so in the furs. Of course, I now realised I would only be one of a chain. Perhaps to only be used on a whim or left to sit in the kennels for an unimaginable time, forced to do chores and learn who best to serve the Free. The final shock sent me reeling. The master who was with the girl introduced himself to me - as my master's Free Companion."

"I am worried that I will be required to serve the Free Companion in the furs and anyone else my master chooses to share me with. I am untrained and fear I will be punished and abused."

"My heart is broken. My mind is broken. My reputation is broken. My will is broken. I have only my body and it belongs to whoever my master chooses. My physician's training has taught me much; I know how to break my body too..."

Nidge closes the journal and seals the ink. He picks up the three things he has left in all the world and returns to the kennel. The possessions are stowed under his mat. Perhaps someone will find them.

Turning away from his mat, the lowly slave leaves the kennel once more. Nidge crosses the courtyard carefully so as not to be seen but is single-minded in his determination to reach the infirmary. Once at the infirmary and sure no one has seen him, he begins to look for kanda root...