Insanity (IC)

I am sure the people who have seen my sad, pathetic figure stumbling through Tabor, White Water, Tharnock, etc. will not have realised what is really wrong with me. Even those who have had the misfortune of listening to my insane ramblings may not have guessed the full extent of my issues. You see I, Nidge Darkfold, have allowed myself to be manipulated. I have let fears and rumours play on my mind and tear apart my relationships with those around me. I have wronged many and am now paying the price. I miss the friends I had started to gain in Tabor.

A friend advised me not to fall in love; I should have listened - I fell in love many times and the love was unrequited. Someone I did not know warned me of rumours making me paranoid. Again I did not listen and let the words of people I did not know prey on my weakened mind. I met a stranger who made me feel oddly threatened. His appearance was unfamiliar to me; his manner was odd. I let my suspicions take over; I now believe he could have been a friend.

As a newcomer to the cities I have visited, I have felt alone and friendless. I have not had a person to turn to, to lean on, to seek advice from. I have no desire to be a kajirus, but I need a strong companion to submit to. I am no longer sure that someone like that exists.

I am now trapped between homestones. Desperate not to let either down. Even more desperate to belong somewhere. I feel unable to stay in Tabor and unwilling to leave. I feel unable to fully give myself to Tharnock. I received word that Bac, the Dark Lord, is dead. While glad to hear he was no longer a threat, I was saddened as I had hoped to die by his hand and be free of my inner turmoil.

It was not until I sat with one of the Tabor city kajiri yesterday that I realised just how lost I am and how far from the truth I may have strayed. He is a lovely boy who will one day make the city proud and any master should be happy to own one such as he. He dreams of being Free and a great warrior. I dream of belonging and being cared for. Perhaps I should trade places with him. Sadly in the midst of a breakdown, my mind has been clouded. I have been a fool and I doubt I shall ever be forgiven for the errors of judgement I have made. May the Priest Kings have mercy upon me and show me the way before the thing I submit to is a syringe filled with kandar root.

May the Priest Kings favour you.